Greetings, felicitations, and fluffy dice.

GREETINGS, FELICITATIONS AND FLUFFY DICE

Now, you probably don’t know me, so let me introduce myself. My name is Jack Rowlands, although people tend to call me Mad Jack. I can’t think why.

Anyway, for my day job, I am an Alley Cat. What’s an Alley Cat, I hear you ask? In a very strange voice, I might add. Well, the Alley Cats are the Bomb Disposal team of National Security Command. So, if you’ve got something that you think is going to blow up, just give me a ring.

It’s a real man’s life in the Alley Cats. We do real man things, like weight training, marathon running, knitting, and highland dancing. And don’t believe everything you hear. One ballet lesson, ONE. Do they let you forget? Do they drumsticks! So, by way of relaxation, I entertain the team with a few of my hilarious stories. Well, I think they’re funny.

In among my own totally awesome original stories are ones based on tales I have heard. Some of them could be described as traditional. My grandfather would have heard them. Others are more modern. Now, I have tried to establish the copyright of these stories, but I have not been able to trace the authors. If you feel I have breached your copyright, first know that it was not deliberate, and accept my apology. Secondly, please let me know, and I will be happy to amend future issues. Now, is that or is that not fair?

Tuesday 28 February 2012

Lost in the Jungle

I admit I had been foolish not to listen to the advice I had been given. I had decided to drive from Pho-Lat to Kai-Tam by myself. When I had gone about a hundred and fifty miles, my land rover completely seized up. I inspected the engine, but there was no way I could get it to start again. I reached for a map and my water flask. The flask was empty. Again, I had been so sure I would arrive safely at my destination that I had not worried about running out of water. I checked the map. There was a small village about fifteen miles away through the jungle. There I would find food, water and help. 

I set off in a direct line to the village, or so I thought. After several hours, and without anything to guide me, I realised I was quite lost. I was also hungry and thirsty. Now, having grown up in Pho-Lat Province, I did have some jungle craft, but I had not needed to use it for many years. I looked around until I spotted some berries, about the size of a grape and the colour of lemons. They were not good for food, they were highly acidic and would bring on terrible stomach cramps. I did recognise the broad, shiny leaves of a plant I knew to be related to the potato. I dug it up and hungrily ate the root. I had difficulty in swallowing it because I was so dry. 

That is when I spotted the toad. It was bright red in the dark green of the jungle. I knew it was poisonous, but I also knew it could help me. I captured it and started feeding it the berries. The toad was highly addicted to them and devoured berry after berry. It stopped for a while and vomited out an acrid mass before returning to the fruit. Its skin colour started to change through orange to the colour of the berries. This was what I had been waiting for. I threw the berries away. The toad just sat there for a while. Then it started jumping through the undergrowth. The berries had given it a mighty thirst and it was using its natural instincts to find fresh water. And all I had to do now was to follow the yellow sick toad.
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