Greetings, felicitations, and fluffy dice.

GREETINGS, FELICITATIONS AND FLUFFY DICE

Now, you probably don’t know me, so let me introduce myself. My name is Jack Rowlands, although people tend to call me Mad Jack. I can’t think why.

Anyway, for my day job, I am an Alley Cat. What’s an Alley Cat, I hear you ask? In a very strange voice, I might add. Well, the Alley Cats are the Bomb Disposal team of National Security Command. So, if you’ve got something that you think is going to blow up, just give me a ring.

It’s a real man’s life in the Alley Cats. We do real man things, like weight training, marathon running, knitting, and highland dancing. And don’t believe everything you hear. One ballet lesson, ONE. Do they let you forget? Do they drumsticks! So, by way of relaxation, I entertain the team with a few of my hilarious stories. Well, I think they’re funny.

In among my own totally awesome original stories are ones based on tales I have heard. Some of them could be described as traditional. My grandfather would have heard them. Others are more modern. Now, I have tried to establish the copyright of these stories, but I have not been able to trace the authors. If you feel I have breached your copyright, first know that it was not deliberate, and accept my apology. Secondly, please let me know, and I will be happy to amend future issues. Now, is that or is that not fair?

Sunday 8 September 2013

The Masked Man

Jerry Marsh stepped out of the lift, coffee in hand, and pushed through the door of Bristol Bureau of Investigation.
"Fifteen minutes late, Jerry."
"Ain't my fault, boss. Dave's gone missing again."
"Nothing new about that. As I recall your parents spent loads of time chasing after him. He'll be back. In the meantime we have a thief to find." Inspector Jarvis played a video of the robbery. It showed the inside of a supermarket. The door opened and a figure in a cat mask entered, opened the chilled cabinet, took out some plastic pots, and vanished. It had taken less than five minutes, and the alarm was silent throughout.”He has robbed seven supermarkets, but doesn’t take any money. Just pots of cream.”
"That picture don't give us much, boss."
"True, but check this out." Jarvis hit a few keys and zoomed in on the mask. "That mask is a little too tight. Forensic IT managed to map his face."
'"Any luck?"
"Just got this in. We have three hits; Alex Philips, Robert Harvey, and David Ross.”
“Well, it ain’t Ross. I dealt with him before. He’s doing five in the Scrubs.”
“And Philips hasn’t been seen in years. Word is he’s got married and gone straight.”
“So, Harvey it is, right, Boss?”
“Seems that way.”
Marsh organised undercover cars to watch over local supermarkets. At about 3am word came that a shop had been robbed and officers were in pursuit.
Marsh and Jarvis drove through the streets of Bristol to meet with the arresting officers. Marsh looked in the back of the car. He turned to Jarvis, utterly shocked.”
“What’s wrong, Marsh?”
“He ain’t Harvey, he’s my brother.”