Greetings, felicitations, and fluffy dice.

GREETINGS, FELICITATIONS AND FLUFFY DICE

Now, you probably don’t know me, so let me introduce myself. My name is Jack Rowlands, although people tend to call me Mad Jack. I can’t think why.

Anyway, for my day job, I am an Alley Cat. What’s an Alley Cat, I hear you ask? In a very strange voice, I might add. Well, the Alley Cats are the Bomb Disposal team of National Security Command. So, if you’ve got something that you think is going to blow up, just give me a ring.

It’s a real man’s life in the Alley Cats. We do real man things, like weight training, marathon running, knitting, and highland dancing. And don’t believe everything you hear. One ballet lesson, ONE. Do they let you forget? Do they drumsticks! So, by way of relaxation, I entertain the team with a few of my hilarious stories. Well, I think they’re funny.

In among my own totally awesome original stories are ones based on tales I have heard. Some of them could be described as traditional. My grandfather would have heard them. Others are more modern. Now, I have tried to establish the copyright of these stories, but I have not been able to trace the authors. If you feel I have breached your copyright, first know that it was not deliberate, and accept my apology. Secondly, please let me know, and I will be happy to amend future issues. Now, is that or is that not fair?

Thursday 5 July 2012

The Dead Mobile Sketch

A customer enters a mobile phone shop.

"'Ello, I wish to register a complaint."

"Sorry, we just closed."

"Well, you can deal with my complaint before you have your cappucino and your dead cow sandwich."

"Dead pig, actually.. Lovely, crispy, dead pig."

"That's as maybe. I wish to complain about this mobile phone I bought from you yesterday."

"Oh yes, The GSB Blue. ER, what seems to be the problemeticule?"

"Problemeticule? Promlemeticule? What sort of word is problemeticule? The problem, my good man, is it don't work. It's dead. That's the problem."

"Nah, nah, nah. It just needs charging."

"Look, dude, I know a dead mobile when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now."

"Nah, nah, nah. It just needs charging. Amazin' mobile, the GSB Blue. Lovely shape, isn't it? Great apps."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Apps. I said apps. Great APPS."

"Sorry, I thought you were making a personal remark."

"Nah."

"The apps have nothing to do with it. It's dead."

"Nah, nah. Look, I'll plug it in here, and you'll see. BEEP."

"What was that?"

"What was what?"

"That BEEP!"

"That's the mobile. It's charging."

"No it wasn't, it was you."

"It was the mobile, SeƱor, the mobile."

"All right, if it's charging, I'll turn it on. Pokey, pokey, pokey! Shaky, shaky, shaky! There. Look at the screen! Nothing!"

"BEEP! There, it beeped again."

"That was you. Look, I'll tap it on this counter. Tap, tap, tappy!"

"The screen came on."

"No it didn't."

"It did. Just for a moment, it came on."

"Bang, bang, bangy! Nothing! That's what I call a dead mobile."

"Nah, it was working."

"Now look, Homey, I've had enough. This mobile is definitely dead. When I bought this yesterday, you said that it's total lack of activity was because it had a flat battery after being used for a long conversation."

"Well, it was probably needing an upgrade."

"Needing an upgrade? Needing an upgrade? Look, why did it fall to pieces when I got it home?"

"Ease of dismantling and assembly. Lovely apps, Mein Herr."

"You did say apps?"

"Apps, yes apps."

"Very well. It may have lovely apps, but how could I tell? The only reason there was a picture on the screen was that someone had painted it on!"

"Well, of course it was painted on. You have to protect the screen, you know."

"Protect the screen? What for? It's a dead mobile."

"It just needs a charge."

"It wouldn't work if you sent a million volts through it! It's dead!"

"Nah, it just needs charging."

""It don't need charging, it's dead! Defunct! It is broken, blitzed, defective, non-functional! It is brick-like! The only app it has is Paperweight! It is obsolete, unusable! It has joined the Vibraphone in Silicon Heaven! This is an EX-MOBILE!"

"Well, I'd better replace it, m'sieur. Er, we're right out of mobile phones."

"Excuse me, is this not a mobile phone shop?"

"Why, yes sir."

"Then how, pray tell, can you be out of mobile phones?"

"I've got a bluetooth earpiece."

"Can I make calls with it?"

"Well, not as such.."

"Then it's hardly a replacement, is it?"

"No, I guess not."

"Well?"

"Nice ass."

"Why, thank you, my good man."