Greetings, felicitations, and fluffy dice.

GREETINGS, FELICITATIONS AND FLUFFY DICE

Now, you probably don’t know me, so let me introduce myself. My name is Jack Rowlands, although people tend to call me Mad Jack. I can’t think why.

Anyway, for my day job, I am an Alley Cat. What’s an Alley Cat, I hear you ask? In a very strange voice, I might add. Well, the Alley Cats are the Bomb Disposal team of National Security Command. So, if you’ve got something that you think is going to blow up, just give me a ring.

It’s a real man’s life in the Alley Cats. We do real man things, like weight training, marathon running, knitting, and highland dancing. And don’t believe everything you hear. One ballet lesson, ONE. Do they let you forget? Do they drumsticks! So, by way of relaxation, I entertain the team with a few of my hilarious stories. Well, I think they’re funny.

In among my own totally awesome original stories are ones based on tales I have heard. Some of them could be described as traditional. My grandfather would have heard them. Others are more modern. Now, I have tried to establish the copyright of these stories, but I have not been able to trace the authors. If you feel I have breached your copyright, first know that it was not deliberate, and accept my apology. Secondly, please let me know, and I will be happy to amend future issues. Now, is that or is that not fair?

Wednesday 7 March 2012

The Tyrant

NOW LISTEN! HERE ARE MY DEMANDS!
When I want you I will summon you, day or night, and you shall attend me.
I will not tell you what I want, that is for you to determine. I may want food: if I enjoy it all will be well.
If I don’t, I will spit it out or throw it across the room.
I may want to be entertained: if so you, will humiliate yourself for my pleasure.
I may smile, I may laugh, and you will consider this reward enough,

I may throw things for you to retrieve, and you will do so for as long as it amuses me.
Whatever vileness my body produces, you will dispose of.
Whatever I take is mine and woe betides anyone that thinks otherwise.
I am my own universe, and what are you in comparison?
You exist merely to please and to serve me,

Yes I am greedy and selfish, yet in all you think me blameless
After all I am only a baby…
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