Greetings, felicitations, and fluffy dice.

GREETINGS, FELICITATIONS AND FLUFFY DICE

Now, you probably don’t know me, so let me introduce myself. My name is Jack Rowlands, although people tend to call me Mad Jack. I can’t think why.

Anyway, for my day job, I am an Alley Cat. What’s an Alley Cat, I hear you ask? In a very strange voice, I might add. Well, the Alley Cats are the Bomb Disposal team of National Security Command. So, if you’ve got something that you think is going to blow up, just give me a ring.

It’s a real man’s life in the Alley Cats. We do real man things, like weight training, marathon running, knitting, and highland dancing. And don’t believe everything you hear. One ballet lesson, ONE. Do they let you forget? Do they drumsticks! So, by way of relaxation, I entertain the team with a few of my hilarious stories. Well, I think they’re funny.

In among my own totally awesome original stories are ones based on tales I have heard. Some of them could be described as traditional. My grandfather would have heard them. Others are more modern. Now, I have tried to establish the copyright of these stories, but I have not been able to trace the authors. If you feel I have breached your copyright, first know that it was not deliberate, and accept my apology. Secondly, please let me know, and I will be happy to amend future issues. Now, is that or is that not fair?

Monday 5 March 2012

Nativity

It was a Sunday afternoon in the middle of December. Hazel was so excited, all she could think of was her new job. No more teaching sniffly, screaming children. Her future was the fashion industry for a career in fabric production. Her head was filled with ideas for new colour combinations. For days now her food had gone uneaten and her untouched coffee went cold. Then she had a phone call from her best friend at the school.

“Hazel, we need you at the nativity.”

“I’m finished with school. I start my new job tomorrow.”

“Please. The person that was to play Mary has taken sick. We need you to replace her. You did it last year.”

“Please, don’t ask me. I’m feeling rough at the moment as it is.”

“I know how excited you must be. Have you been starving yourself? You do that when you’re anxious.”

“Yes. I haven’t had a thing for three days.”

“Please, Hazel. Just for me. Eat, drink and be Mary, for tomorrow you dye.”
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